October is the perfect time of year to pause from your busy schedule, be grateful for what you have, and take stock of planning for older family members. As our family and friends gather for Thanksgiving weekend, take some time for yourself and your family. It’s a wonderful time of year in Canada to get outside, explore farmers’ markets, and enjoy the leaves changing in all their glory. And it’s an ideal time to chat with older family members about longevity planning before the snow flies.
Adult children often say they don’t know where to start the conversation, and that Mom, Dad, or Aunt Maggie resist talking about planning ahead. Here’s an opener we find successful, and we often encourage clients to try it with their parents or older family members.
Go-Go, Slow-Go or No-Go Life Stages
We spend a lot of time planning for life stages such as education and careers, deciding whether to get married and have children, where to live, etc. But how often do we plan and prepare for the various stages of later life? If you are nearing retirement, you could use yourself as the example. And if you decide to stop working full-time at 65, you could well live another 30 or 35 years! Mike Drak, who writes about longevity lifestyles, describes three general stages of retirement planning. They can be very useful in starting a longevity planning conversation.
The Go-Go years are early retirement, when people plan to travel and spend some of their hard-earned resources enjoying themselves. For example, Mom and Dad are in this stage now, planning a cross-Canada trip to visit various friends and relatives from coast to coast. They’re also thinking about spending their winter in southern Spain.
The Slow-Go years are when a person’s health may limit their ability to travel, and they choose to stay closer to home and their support community. For example, an aunt in her early 80s has to have a knee replacement this year. Her health is otherwise fine, so she is taking a 6-month break to address her knee, and then she plans to return to her Go-Go lifestyle with her group of friends. Others who are in good health may not slow down until their 90s.
The No-Go years are when health issues, limited mobility, or cognitive decline limit a person’s activities and increase dependence on family members or others. Eventually, aging will bring us to this stage where we become more dependent on others.
Talking about living a long life in stages might open the conversation. What are your plans for the Go-Go years? Do you have a plan to keep up with the grandchildren, go canoeing and camping with them? What will your lifestyle be like, and what is your purpose? As one client wisely told me, “Every one of us needs a purpose to get up in the morning.”
When you start the conversation, listen for the stage they are in. How do you perceive them versus how do they perceive themselves?
Then there may come a time when the family gathers for Thanksgiving and realizes their parents are struggling. What signals should you look for before things devolve into a crisis intervention?
Warning Signals that Help is Needed
You may arrive for the weekend and find the house not ready for guests. Your mom may have had gold standards for cleaning; however, the beds are not made up, and the place needs a good vacuum. Other signs could include:
- Loss of interest in procuring and preparing the traditional meal that has defined your family gathering for years.
- Not enough food for the weekend, and scorched pots are in the oven after being left on an open burner too long.
- Declining personal care and hygiene, wearing the same clothes all weekend, and not choosing appropriate clothing for the weather.
- Household bills are piled up on the desk unopened, and there are questions about how to use online banking and passwords.
- Missed doctor’s appointments and social engagements that would normally be logged in the calendar, open on the desk.
- Difficulty sorting out and taking medications. Blister packs have not been fully used.
A combination of the above warning signs indicates that your parent needs help to stay safely in their own home. While this conversation may be difficult, it is usually easier if you have had previous conversations about planning. Approaching it from the older person’s perspective, based on their needs and wishes, can be most helpful.
As you gather to celebrate Thanksgiving, take time to be grateful for what you have. It’s also a perfect opportunity to take stock of longevity planning for older family members. Don’t wait for a crisis – it will be far more disruptive, difficult, and expensive!
